I keep getting asked why I have stopped blogging, I haven't stopped really..just slowed down. I am working aLOT and trying to get this stupid Christmas shopping done and keep everything else in order. Can't we just do Christmas when me and Tony are BOTH working?????? yeah Bah freaking humbug is how I'm feeling right now for sure! I did purchase a "Peanuts" brand Christmas tree this year. You know the one that has 1 red ornament on it and it's all bent over. THAT is the only tree this year. I usually go all out. Whatever....I'm sooooo NOT feeling it this year!
Tony is having HORRIBLE skin issues right now. The oncologist says it's probably not IL-2 related, the dermatologist says it could be eczema and IL-2 related. I don't know BUT it is AWFUL! his whole body is a rash and all he can do is scratch and scratch. I'm getting more concerned daily! He is getting very depressed with all the itching and burning. The back of his knees look like horrible big purple blood blisters. The doctor said put bleach in his bath to prevent infection because his immune system is still shot. He cannot take steroids or use hydrocortizone cream because it decreases the effectiveness of the IL-2. So he rubs down with lotion twice a day, I get his back before work and sometimes after. I just HATE that I can't help him. I feel helpless and I don't know what to do. Tony is feeling better but still weak. He looks frail. His hair is getting brittle and dry and gray, and has gotten very thin in the past month. I keep working and working to make ends meet and I feel so bad that I have to keep leaving him everyday. When I work 11 or 12 hours a day it doesn't leave much "Teri and Tony" time! I miss him, I miss his touch, his conversation, affection, I miss everything....I want my old life back-------------- I know that is impossible right now and alot of people don't understand but you do understand IF you are married to a cancer patient!
Tony has been visiting our friends Rick and Jenny some in the evening when I'm gone. He has still been feeding the birds and going out and about some, he is trying to get back to normal. He is trying very very hard! I just keep working and staying busy then I can forget about everything a little. Work gives me enough bullshit to handle when I'm there so it does keep my mind off of things. Sometimes I just want to stop being superwoman and crawl in a hole and rest.
Everyone that has sent cards and money and giftcards and well wishes thank you so much for everything...it is greatly appreciated. It was our 11 year anniversary yesterday...I worked but today we went to dinner with Rick and Jen and now we are in bed watching TV together, so I must stop now and spend the rest of my day off with my man...
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference..AMEN
