Me Tony and Cancer 7-25

Well I woke up this morning and had a call from hospital. They said they had a bed ready and Tony could come anytime today...but that 3 or 4 would be best. I cried. I hugged Tony...I just don't want him to hurt, I don't want to be alone, and I don't want him to have cancer. I'm going to go back 3 yrs for a minute and explain how this started. Here goes, Tony was having back pain and tired legs. He had high fevers that would come and go for no reason..very occasionaly. One day he was curled up with the worst headache he ever had....I thought he looked sick, I kept asking, kept making sure he was eating right and drinking fluids, He looked like he had a bad bad case of the flu, dark eye circles, thin..he just looked sick. I told a friend of mine that he looked like he was dying. THAT same day Tony called me..he couldnt walk to his dept at work his legs hurt so bad. I went and got him. He showed me his swollen leg..i knew he had blood clots. I threatened him and forced him to go to the hospital. They knew he had blood clots and admitted him. They also said he was anemic...but they didn't know why. I made them start an IV of fluids just because he was looking SO sick at this point. The next day they came in and did an ultrsound on his leg...i could see the blood was NOT pumping in the veins. His leg was now so big he couldnt hardly walk. They then did a CAT scan. The doctor came in a little later and asked me to come with him...I followed him into a small room and was thinking they were going to have to amputate his leg or something. Then he said "I'm very sorry but your husband has cancer and this is very very serious" (breathe) Then we had to go tell Tony..he was eating his lunch looking as happy as can be....HOW DO YOU TELL HIM??? AND I WAS ALL ALONE...THAT was one of the hardest things i've ever done...just sit there and watch his face.........
They transported him to U.C. and had to wait about a week to do the radical nephectony because they had to get his blood right. He woke up from surgery and kept asking for me to unplug his machines..he didn't want to live. It broke my heart. He then got a wound infection, they cut his staples off and hooked him to a wound vac. I spent the entire time at the hospital...when a patient NEEDS to go to bathroom because of all the meds, or they a drink or a blanket or ANYTHING..its the spouse or caretacker that does it...ALL...not the hospital staff. We were both worn out! We went home, I had to clean and pack his incision for weeks. and put those damn hose on his legs (ughhhhhh) and give his his injections (we both hated that!) after a few weeks...he developed MRSA in his belly. Another trip to UC for a week. and guess what..more packing and cleaning this big whole in his belly....
This was during Tori's graduation party time and we still had kids in school. Needless to say...savings accounts...getting LOW, morale..getting low and by the time Tony was feeling better I WAS DRAINED. His cancer drained every single bit of energy out of my body...for a long time. I STILL feel the effects from it.
SO for 3 yrs Tony was NED (no evidence of disease) He wanted to move to the country and out of the neighborhood. so we did. We got a great place, a pond, 8 acres, privacy. We do what we want, when we want, and love it. Tony has a big garden, we cook, and enjoy our empty nest probably more than anyone ever has...we LOVE peace and quiet.
AS i was sitting waiting for a doctor appt on June 10..Tony called, he has had CAT scans every 3-6 months for 3 years. I haven't gona to his last few visits..because everything will be fine...he told me he has a tumor..in his left adrenal gland__________I felt like the air was just punched out of me.
Lots and lots and lots of crying. MY life is awesome and I DON'T want my husband to go through that again...ever. And I just can't...I don't have that in me anymore....all those feelings...ALL those feelings came back. I HATED that part of our life....I can never ever explain how you feel as a wife when this happens...if you haven't experienced it...you JUST don't know.
SO now as I sit here AGAIN on the oncology floor at UC I feel sad, lonely, mad, pissed off, and I really really feel without a doubt that I'm broken. I just have to be strong.....ughhhh and I'm sooo NOT! Tony is laying in his bed, snacking (as usual) and we just have to wait now. They put in PIC line early tom. and do some more test...then they start his IL-2 treatment about 2 ish. The nurses say it's very hard on him, They will probably take him to ICU this week, and I can't even use the bathroom in his room because this stuff is so toxic and it cannot get on my body at all.
Right now Tony has a great view of the moon and the clouds. He keeps having me look..today we can think about the moon....
I'm going to look at it with him....and tomorrow this will be much shorter :)