Sunday, June 19, 2011

Tony is back to work...yaaaaay!

I know every time I write I say "I know I haven't blogged for a while" but I haven't. It's interesting to me that no one seems to read any ones "cancer" blog if they are healthy. People are so stunned about cancer or trauma recovery or anything bad but no one really takes the time to read a "cancer" blog if the patient is doing well. I'm not mad...I do it too. Isn't it just a shame that once ALL the awful horrible stuff is over everyone thinks it's over. BUT it's actually never over. NEVER. This last set of scans scared the shit out of me. The week he was scheduled to have his last scans...I was soooooo moody. I just didn't want to be bothered with anything or anyone. It's almost subconcious! Kidney cancer seems to always be a returning demon. In our life. In almost every ones life that I know with kidney cancer. The issue I have with blogging is I'm the same as everyone else......well he's done with IL-2, his surgery is over, so everything must be ok....lets not think about it today..and it might not come back. I'm guilty too. Well the scan showed a 3.3cm x 1.4cm x 1.4cm of hypodensity between the tail of the pancreas and the anterior superior aspect of the left kidney. I didn't like this news one bit. The oncologist wasn't crazy about it. BUT the next day the surgical oncologist wasn't "quite" AS worried. He wants to compare it to the last disc. BUT since the insurance company made Tony go someplace else for this last scan the doctor will have to get a copy of the disc and get back to us. He said it could just be some scarring or leakage from the surgery. I can't bring myself to be overly positive or overly negative right now. I HATE this cancer roller coaster more than I have hated anything in my life. It is what is is. I have always hated roller coasters anyway...the constant up and down makes me sick. So does this. I am super upbeat and awesome for Tony..just ask him. He will tell you he's pretty spoiled. Actually we spoil each other! BUT I can't jump back on that coaster just waiting for the fall again. "I" can't. I just CAN'T! Some people can. BUT I bet they haven't been in my shoes.....
The past couple months Tony has been healing, he realized that even if he gets so much as a small sinus infection he has to take more hydro cortisone and Florinef or he will be in bed for a couple days. I really take for granted what adrenalin does for me....Tony doesn't produce adrenalin now since his adrenal gland removal...so he is still learning how to take his meds when needed. This will be a long learning process. It is not cut and dry!
I hear him up now. He starts midnight shift tonight...so our awesome Sunday was cut kind of short so he could get some rest. He only worked 2 days last week so this week he will for sure be tired. BUT he has a lot of vacation time. I hope he uses some every week and doesn't let himself get too worn out. I can tell by looking at him when he needs more rest..I will remind him often!
We are looking forward to our vacation this year...when he was going through all that awful hellish IL-2 and felt like dying..he told me he wanted to go to Maine. So we are going to Maine next month. Staying at a quaint B&B in a harbor town and will be eating lobster and crab all week! Oh yeah...and some really awesome breakfasts! I need some R&R like you would not believe! We both do!
Tony planted his garden this year! Just like last year. Only last year he planted it the day we found out his cancer returned. And we had a few friends and my sissy harvesting the garden because we were at the hospital ALL summer and fall and winter AND this spring. We wasted so much and had to throw away because we just couldn't do it. I am ever so thankful for this year!!! LAST YEAR SUCKED!
I feel so joyful and relieved and fresh when I see Tony outside working in the garden. It just makes me smile. I bought him a new zero-turn mower this year...he had problem after problem with his mower. Everyone that cut our grass last year had problems. SO I bought him a new mower for his 4 yr cancer survivor anniversary. NOW he flies around the yard on his new ExMark and I don't have to worry about him or that damn belt! It makes him happy and whole being outside. And what makes him happy makes me happy. Sometimes when I'm getting ready for work or doing dishes or something near a window, I will look out and see him walking out by the pond...I ALWAYS stop in my tracks and watch him, I get teary eyed and smile and say Thank you to Jesus for THAT man, I thank him for giving me more time with Tony. I thank him for relieving Tony of the pain that he experienced in the past 12 months. I thank God for "US".
Well right now Tony isn't "cancer free", he isn't even "NED" (no evidence of disease) He is just Tony, the strong fighter, the great dad, the wonderful husband and just a really really really really good man! Please pray for the NED thing....please. Too many of my Kidney Cancer friends have died recently.....I can't stand any more death!!!! I just can't! Please keep praying....