Frustrated Wednesday

Tony did not get any IL-2 today. This is the reason for mine and his frustration. THAT is what we are here for. I understand that his blood pressure is only tolerable because of meds. That his potassium is sky high and being controlled by meds. That he cannot urinate at all...unless they give him meds. That his blood sugar is being controlled some with insulin. That is blood is not causing more blood clots in his legs because of a heparin drip. That his white blood count is high and platelets are out of control. That his creatinine is sky high and his kidney isn't functioning well. BUT I feel sad, let down, out of control, pissed off and alone...because he is laying here in ICU NOT getting his cancer treatment. I NEED HIM TO GET HIS IL-2. NO I do not want it to compromise his health because I need him..now. BUT I need him 20 years from now too! I'M JUST VENTING....
I washed his hair today and helped get him washed up....he felt a little better. He ate a little bit. His pressure is coming up some, everything should be working better soon..he has not had IL-2 in the past 32 hours. I know that this is fairly normal. BUT I feel like the more treatment, the better chance it has of killing his cancer. It's been a tough day for me...sitting here..EXHAUSTED while Tony is NOT getting IL-2. UGHHHH
Maybe at 6am he will get his dose. We will see. I have cried a lot today...just because. Because of everything. I guess everyone that goes through this has days like this. I like to take care of things and take care of business and I am on the ball...I like making sure things are ok, people are ok and I like to do a good job. Right now...nothing is good enough, he is not ok, I am not ok and I'm so freaking sad and mad. I can't take care of my own health right now..I just don't have time. My close friends and family know what I'm talking about...I just hope I can stay healthy enough to be everything that Tony needs...I will be. It's amazing how "you ARE what you HAVE to be"...when there is no other option. But I wouldn't or couldn't be anywhere else...Tony is MY life...and I am his. More than either of us would ever have imagined. Everything is going to be ok!....I didn't make too many phone calls today or the usual texts because there was nothing new to tell, we both felt blah!!!! We just spent some time together...OH Tony did laugh during "Family Guy" right after I said I needed to see him smile soon. That made me feel better and him too. Now I can sleep!
Dear God, I need my husband..make him well..make me well and give us both strength...and I need a good nights sleep please..Amen