I went in to cuddle with Tony last night, I couldn't sleep. I touched him so I wouldn't scare him and he was covered in sweat, through a sheet, a cover and a thin quilt. I took some stuff off the bed, gave him a new cover and helped him change. I'm assuming this is from the IL-2 and perhaps from ALL the pain medicine. I am going to have to SLOWLY wean him off of some of that if he doesn't want to feel like an addict in rehab coming down off their high!!! Very slowly!
I weighed him today, he has now lost 20 lbs over a less than 2 week period. I keep waiting for him to look better but geesh, his lips are blueish/white, so are his fingers and toes and feet. His fingers are numb. Thank goodness he sees his oncologist tom. She will NOT have any answers about his cancer tom. JUST answers about his recovery from IL-2. He will have CAT scans in 6 more weeks to find out if the IL-2 is working more or not. Right now I just want to know why he still feels so bad, looks bad, has no energy etc and if that is normal! It was beautiful out today. I walked to the barn with Tony, he stopped and rested. I got him to the pond and then he was really exhausted..so we came in. He was laying back down before I got in. Watched alot of Football today and Tony did eat a few pieces of his favorite pizza :) We are BOTH having a hard time figuring out where our year went....we found out his cancer had spread in June. Had IL-2 for a month in Aug. and again in Oct-Nov. Right now we are just NOT ready for Christmas and we both feel kind of BLAH about it! We are just tired. Just exhausted. So we shall see how it goes....I want to know when the leaves all fell off of my trees...because I missed that whole thing! I do NOT want to decorate one. Bah Humbug isn't really the correct thing to call it...we just missed half a year. IF it wouldn't have caused so much pain..it would almost feel like we just forgot about the past 5 months. I dunno..it's hard to explain. Everything and everyone kept carrying on like normal EXCEPT US. I know that is NOT the way it happened really but wow it sure feels that way! So nope...no tree, I WILL cook for Thanksgiving..JUST because I love to cook and I need some normalcy! And Most of our family will be here!! (except Meg) :(
I just wanted to give a little update. I'm exhausted and REALLY need a vacation! But I will settle for a good nights sleep! Thanks Melissa for offering to have a benefit for Tony...I will let you know! xoxoxox Thanks Rick and Jenny for visiting today and bringing Tony some more gatorade...I hate the way he looks when he's dehydrated!! And it makes his injections impossible! The needles bounce OFF of his skin! ugh
Thank you Jesus for prayers answered! I have a few special prayers of my own tonight...I just can't type them...
I love Tony so much and this is just breaking me down...bad. Breaking him down. Please let him feel better soon...please.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference..AMEN
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