So as I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes, I am confused. I'm confused because I'm trying to figure out why I pray the way I do. NOT once have I asked God why Tony has cancer, or why he had to do this to us, or even ask to make him cancer free. What I always ask is to get through TODAY, to ease his pain, to provide peace and serenity to him and give me strength. hmmmmm I am just thinking why my prayers are so much different than other peoples. I think because I am so involved and so much in the middle of Tony and his battle with cancer. For me, I want him to be out of pain, to be warm, to get to the bathroom in time, for him to have his meds, and for him to sleep soundly and for him to smile today. THAT is what is important to me when I write this blog. I'm usually writing when he is in so much pain and under the influence of so many meds that he is sleeping and I am so very thankful and I'm trying to catch my breath. I want my husband, the man I spend every day of my life with to be as cancer free as anyone BUT when I'm sitting here helping him with rigors, and vomiting, and pain and meds...ALL I can think about is making it through this day. Because to think about next month is just too much for me. Even about next week is too much for me. We want to enjoy THIS week and we have so far! Even the amount of IL-2 doses isn't that big of deal to me...I know if Tony's body can't handle one more dose..they will not give it to him. The doctor last week said we give him what we can BUT we do NOT want to kill him. So I am leaving this up to the doctors and God.
Things will continue to be finacially tight around the Grainger home until I go back to work for sure and it is MUCH better when we both work. Just smart spending really, not unworkable. We have been blessed with some great friends and family that have given gift cards and went grocery shopping for us and helped with our home and Roxy and I have thanked each and everyone of them!!! but I HAVE to say how shocked I was to get an email showing someome paid on our cell phone bill. Paid alot. It was Tori, my 22 yr old daughter...She said she loves us both and just wanted to do that for us. I know I'm her favorite person in the world and I am thankful and proud. I love you Tori! I love you aLOT!
Tomorrow is a day of getting stuff done, cleaning more, cutting Tonys hair and making one of Tonys favorite dinners. As much as I HATE to think of next week....I have to get stuff done for another week in the hospital. I don't like to get overwhelmed and if I don't prepare I will be, Tony likes me alot better when I'm NOT overwhelmed. Thank you Jesus for giving us this awesome day and for the friends that we spent the evening with. Thank you for giving Tony the strength and comfort to get out and do some things today...He needed that! Thank you for giving me some time with just me..I needed that too...Please continue to provide comfort to me and Tony both this week as we prepare for next. Amen
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